Because I am getting ready to go away for a few days, I felt that it was time to go through my mess of a closet. I was trying to find matching shoes aside from the three pairs I can count on. While I was digging through mass amounts of crap, clothes, more crap and more clothes, I found a small box. I looked at it and it was my first Blackberry from when I was 25. I laughed as I looked at the box then found more boxes...my life defined by Blackberry's.Then I had to laugh again when I realized that I have a bevy of BB from the Curve to the Bold to the Torch and now they are obsolete. Getting my first cell phone at 19 was huge but getting my Curve...that was epic. It made me realize how fast the times change and how much more demanding we are for a little portable phone to do nearly everything for us. I know when my period is scheduled because of my phone! So if you want to go to a museum, just open your closet and find your own Smithsonian.
It seems as though the older you get, the more you rely on technology to be your lifeline. Therapist, entertainment, best friend, diary, boyfriend...That is what sucks about being a creative person. Feelings are so much deeper than if you just let things roll off your back. Why can't I be one of those people who can be depressed but then sweep it to the side and move on? It consumes me for hours, through music, endless cups of coffee and in the summer, too many cigarettes. Then I use my one outlet that never lets me down and never judges me. If it could talk back, I'm sure my lap top would tell me to quit my complaining and be grateful for what I have, like the fact that I have a lap top. Sometimes, the positive seems so irrelevant when you are trapped in Alice's looking glass and desperately want to get out. But breaking glass is bad, especially if it's a mirror because then you will have 7 years of bad luck. Tonight, I played Rob Thomas til there was no end which is a clear sign that I am not myself. He is my go to guy when I feel like the world is failing me but it did not help. I guess I outgrew him pushing me around and realized that he wasn't that smooth. My boyfriend is not even here to make me feel better and I think that is like his job. As partners in life, you are there for one another and tonight I feel like I'm alone on a sinking ship of YouTube videos and sleepy cats. Yet this is the same way I dealt with shit when I was a teenager; moping while blasting random music and attempting to make every song pertinent to my life. I guess when you have had a coping mechanism for so long, age does not matter. At least this is one of my healthy coping skills that I have acquired. What will I do when I have a family and have these moments? Is there a secret mommy room that I can go in to so I can sing out all my anger and frustration? Maybe I just need to get some fucking faith in myself so I can stop being so sad and start realizing that maybe I am better than okay. Maybe I am getting better with age...
STOP! Stop I say. It's age rape; I just turned 29 in September but when I look at my date book, I see a bunch of friends turning 30. Facebook is the best place to age torture yourself because you can look at the birthdays in order. Some people I'm not friends with anymore but they are still there, turning 30 and letting me know that they have gotten to the party and my invitation is coming in the mail. The only thing worse is seeing the ages of friends who are eternally 22 turning 34. Maybe it is just the way the number looks or the old-fashioned traditions and stigmas it carried. 30 is fucking scary and there is no one who can convince me of any different. Oh, you're turning 40? Who gives a shit! You have already had hump birthdays so this should be no biggie. I'm still on appetizers and I am not ready for the full meal. I finally filled out my wall calender, yes I still have one, and put my birthday up. I saw 30. I almost puked. They need age saltines!
