My lap top, my love...

It seems as though the older you get, the more you rely on technology to be your lifeline. Therapist, entertainment, best friend, diary, boyfriend...That is what sucks about being a creative person. Feelings are so much deeper than if you just let things roll off your back. Why can't I be one of those people who can be depressed but then sweep it to the side and move on? It consumes me for hours, through music, endless cups of coffee and in the summer, too many cigarettes. Then I use my one outlet that never lets me down and never judges me. If it could talk back, I'm sure my lap top would tell me to quit my complaining and be grateful for what I have, like the fact that I have a lap top. Sometimes, the positive seems so irrelevant when you are trapped in Alice's looking glass and desperately want to get out. But breaking glass is bad, especially if it's a mirror because then you will have 7 years of bad luck. Tonight, I played Rob Thomas til there was no end which is a clear sign that I am not myself. He is my go to guy when I feel like the world is failing me but it did not help. I guess I outgrew him pushing me around and realized that he wasn't that smooth. My boyfriend is not even here to make me feel better and I think that is like his job. As partners in life, you are there for one another and tonight I feel like I'm alone on a sinking ship of YouTube videos and sleepy cats. Yet this is the same way I dealt with shit when I was a teenager; moping while blasting random music and attempting to make every song pertinent to my life. I guess when you have had a coping mechanism for so long, age does not matter. At least this is one of my healthy coping skills that I have acquired. What will I do when I have a family and have these moments? Is there a secret mommy room that I can go in to so I can sing out all my anger and frustration? Maybe I just need to get some fucking faith in myself so I can stop being so sad and start realizing that maybe I am better than okay. Maybe I am getting better with age...