Well my friends...it happened! I turned 30! The days leading up to it were like a last supper where I felt that I had to have as much twenty-something fun as I could. Then the day came...and I hid in my room and nearly cried like a little baby. My psychiatrist even called in the morning to make sure I was not having a nervous breakdown. They say you don't feel any different from 29 to 30...they LIE!
Because I am getting ready to go away for a few days, I felt that it was time to go through my mess of a closet. I was trying to find matching shoes aside from the three pairs I can count on. While I was digging through mass amounts of crap, clothes, more crap and more clothes, I found a small box. I looked at it and it was my first Blackberry from when I was 25. I laughed as I looked at the box then found more boxes...my life defined by Blackberry's.Then I had to laugh again when I realized that I have a bevy of BB from the Curve to the Bold to the Torch and now they are obsolete. Getting my first cell phone at 19 was huge but getting my Curve...that was epic. It made me realize how fast the times change and how much more demanding we are for a little portable phone to do nearly everything for us. I know when my period is scheduled because of my phone! So if you want to go to a museum, just open your closet and find your own Smithsonian.
It seems as though the older you get, the more you rely on technology to be your lifeline. Therapist, entertainment, best friend, diary, boyfriend...That is what sucks about being a creative person. Feelings are so much deeper than if you just let things roll off your back. Why can't I be one of those people who can be depressed but then sweep it to the side and move on? It consumes me for hours, through music, endless cups of coffee and in the summer, too many cigarettes. Then I use my one outlet that never lets me down and never judges me. If it could talk back, I'm sure my lap top would tell me to quit my complaining and be grateful for what I have, like the fact that I have a lap top. Sometimes, the positive seems so irrelevant when you are trapped in Alice's looking glass and desperately want to get out. But breaking glass is bad, especially if it's a mirror because then you will have 7 years of bad luck. Tonight, I played Rob Thomas til there was no end which is a clear sign that I am not myself. He is my go to guy when I feel like the world is failing me but it did not help. I guess I outgrew him pushing me around and realized that he wasn't that smooth. My boyfriend is not even here to make me feel better and I think that is like his job. As partners in life, you are there for one another and tonight I feel like I'm alone on a sinking ship of YouTube videos and sleepy cats. Yet this is the same way I dealt with shit when I was a teenager; moping while blasting random music and attempting to make every song pertinent to my life. I guess when you have had a coping mechanism for so long, age does not matter. At least this is one of my healthy coping skills that I have acquired. What will I do when I have a family and have these moments? Is there a secret mommy room that I can go in to so I can sing out all my anger and frustration? Maybe I just need to get some fucking faith in myself so I can stop being so sad and start realizing that maybe I am better than okay. Maybe I am getting better with age...
STOP! Stop I say. It's age rape; I just turned 29 in September but when I look at my date book, I see a bunch of friends turning 30. Facebook is the best place to age torture yourself because you can look at the birthdays in order. Some people I'm not friends with anymore but they are still there, turning 30 and letting me know that they have gotten to the party and my invitation is coming in the mail. The only thing worse is seeing the ages of friends who are eternally 22 turning 34. Maybe it is just the way the number looks or the old-fashioned traditions and stigmas it carried. 30 is fucking scary and there is no one who can convince me of any different. Oh, you're turning 40? Who gives a shit! You have already had hump birthdays so this should be no biggie. I'm still on appetizers and I am not ready for the full meal. I finally filled out my wall calender, yes I still have one, and put my birthday up. I saw 30. I almost puked. They need age saltines!
So I was reading an article in "Glamour" magazine some months ago and there was this list. The list was all about the things that you should know by the time you turn 30. I thought that all I needed to know was what my fake age would be. Apparently, I was wrong. Okay, so I know I've found my career which is super important. I have a good support system so anther check on my list. Then, they said that by 30, a woman should know how she feels about having children. In 4 years of college, we are supposed to know what we want to be for 60+ years an at 30, we should know if we want one or two lines on the stick. If you ask me, that is a bunch of bullshit. When we are searching for our contentment, those of us who really care, it may take a while to establish ourselves. And during this time, the idea of a child may not factor in to the plan. Honestly, I have no idea if I want to have children like ever and I am almost 30. So when I wake up on my birthday, I'll just know? It'll all suddenly be crystal clear? I don't think it works that way. What if by 30 you have not met your soul mate or your web site is your child? Why should I have to know in less than 9 months that I want to grow a baby for 9 months then raise it for 18+ years? Not everyone turns 30 with the same goals and ambitions. Hell, I'll be happy if I wake up with a smile on my face on my 30th birthday. Sheesh...the pressure!
I always loved being the baby in the family mainly because I liked the attention. When I got sick, I liked when my mommy would come check on me... I still like that, especially when I get the flu. Being an only child, looking back, was the only way that I could have probably functioned properly. In any case, as I grew older, I still wanted to be the baby. Not in the "wear the diapers and drink from a bottle" sense but with my mom doting on me. I think even if my parents had not gotten divorced, I'd still have this complex. There's a part in "Overboard" where Katherine Helmond said to her daughter, played by Goldie Hawn that if she had a baby then she wouldn't be the baby. That's exactly how I feel!!! For a while, I thought that I was just like Peter Pan and wanted to be young forever. Thanks to plastic surgery, that is entirely possible. But as I approach 30, I see more and more of my friends getting married and having babies. I also see myself having to up my anti-depressants. Look, I could have been a wife and a mother by now, if that was what I truly had wanted but that was not my path. Instead, I chose to find my passions and focus on developing myself creatively. Yeah, I'd like to get married one day but I still feel like I'm 20 and too young. As far as babies, I don't know if that's the path for me either. After all, today, I asked my boyfriend for a pet tiger; not very practical if you want children in the near future. So who am I? Am I suffering from a Peter Pan complex? Am I a lost "boy?" Or am I just a regular twenty-something girl trying to put the pieces of a confusing puzzle together? Ponder that...
My mom used to take me to Starbucks every Sunday when I was in high school. She'd order a venti drip while I'd always get hot chocolate; the thought of coffee was "ick"-ening to me. Anytime my friends and I had attempted to make coffee prior, we always used lots of milk, chocolate syrup and sugar. Would you like some coffee with your chocolate milk? Now, I wake up at 2a.m. craving the delicious beans that give me the jolt. In college, I would live on Dunkin Donuts iced coffee then specialty drinks when I worked at Starbucks as a barista. For my 29th birthday, my boyfriend bought me a Keurig and without it, I'd be a lost little coffee free puppy. Tonight, I was craving the cafe so much that despite being on cold medicine, I went out to get two flavored creamers and more sweet-n-low so that I could get my fix. I feel so much better now that I have my delicious cup of steaming hot coffee with Peppermint Mocha Coffee Mate, Sweet-n-Low and Fat Free whipped cream. This is like my 4th or 5th cup today. I wish I was still addicted to hot chocolate...
